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Bush piss-take

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.

3. One to decide that, yeah, it IS dark in here.

4. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.

5. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness.

6. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb.

7. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: “Light Bulb Change Accomplished.”

8. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.

9. One to viciously smear #8.

10. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

11. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Helpdesk Hell

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it’s really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note …
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk…sorry!
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Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates damn it!
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
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Customer: I have problems printing in red….
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
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Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!
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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn’t get on the Internet
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What anti virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That’s not an anti virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?